About a month ago I was asked by a very good friend of mine to write a new post on my blog. When I asked her what she wanted me to write about, she said: “anything”. I then started thinking about a good subject for a post and because of recent events in my life I decided to talk literally about that: anything.
The following is a letter to myself. It’s a reminder of the path that I know is right but have not been following. It’s a monologue to my very own conscience. I hope you can also “hear” it and perhaps it reminds you too of just who we should be limited to be.
So, “anything”: a word that encloses so many different meanings in our daily life. Ever since we are born we are told and made believe that we can be ANYTHING we want, that we can do ANYTHING we please and that ANYTHING is possible, if we really believe in it. But, how true is this? Or more important, how right or wrong is this?
I think we have all heard Benito Juarez’s popular saying “el respeto al derecho ajeno es la paz” (the respect of the others’ rights brings peace) and agree with it, but how many of us actually live our lives applying this undisputable truth to our everyday living, to our everyday interacting with our peers? Do we really respect other people’s rights in our pursuit of becoming that “anything” that we have always wanted to be, do or get? In this wild, competitive world, how many of us would do “anything” to get what we want? And again, how right or wrong is this?
Living in a society means not only living with others, it also means depending from and affecting others: classmates, coworkers, partners, customers, providers, and even more personally, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, our children, friends, etc., all this wide range of people that affect who we are, but that also get affected by us. Now, I want to make one thing clear: I’m not trying to say that it is wrong to fight for what you want or believe in, this post is not about that at all, it’s about how we live our lives and how that affects the people that surround us and depend on us.
I took a small pause and thought about whom I used to be and who I am now, and realized that, right now, to this day, I have so many people to apologize to, although this is meant for one person in particular, I now realize that my way of living my life affects negatively the way other people live theirs, and that my right of being and doing anything I want have not always been in harmony with the right of other to the same.
Many of us may call it “character”, “personality”, “swagger”, or simply being an individual, all of those little things that define who we are and separate us from the rest. All those little things we do that make us different from each other, they affect, sometimes without even knowing, others people’s lives, and the more we do them, the more we affect other people, and the more time we take to realize those things, the more we will need to rectify what those little “expressions of us” do to other people’s lives.
I now realize that having the right to be myself is most directly affected and limited by other people’s feelings, dreams, hopes and rights. How much have I disrespected all those things by just being “myself”. I, just like the rest of us, have believed in my right of enjoying being able to express myself, and be myself, and act the way I feel I am entitled to as a free man, and thought my way of living my life has been good and proper: I don’t steal, I try not to offend others, I respect my elders, I cooperate with society, etc. But how about the things we do when we think nobody is watching? How about the things we do believing that they don’t affect other people? Do we see how selfish we can be when we’re being “ourselves”?
As I said, I have always considered myself to be a good man, but what happens when being good is not enough? What happens when we choose not to be the best we can because we rather be “ourselves”, because it’s easier, because we have the right, right? How do we affect our children when we decide not to make an extra effort, because we’re too tired of trying to make a difference, because no matter what we do, things won’t change? Are we telling them it is ok to give up, to just accept what is easy to get because it will always be too hard to do better? How do we affect our coworkers when we decide to do just what we’re supposed to or be mediocre at what we do? Are we telling them it’s ok to be selfish and think only in what benefit oneself because nobody will give you anything, so you shouldn’t care if others are getting theirs? We need to realize and understand that the simplest thing like leaving the lid up when we use the toilet (guys) can affect a person’s complete day; that just a hunk too many while in traffic can determine if a person will perform efficiently during the day or be stressed out and affect their coworkers, turning the situation into a chain reaction of negativity.
Recently I have greatly hurt the person I love and that loves me back deeply because I was being myself, because I thought it wouldn’t affect her, because I thought she wouldn’t find out. I lied to her, I disrespected and deceived her in a way she never deserved just because I was satisfying my ego, because I was performing my right to feel good about myself, and prove to myself that I could still do things I shouldn’t be thinking about doing anymore, because I’m better than that now, or at least I thought I was. I have brought shame to myself because I thought I could do ANYTHING I wanted and that it was ok. I don’t even feel that I deserve to be forgiven, so I don’t ask for it, but I do want that person to know how deeply sorry I am, not only because of the things I did or said, but also because I lied to her face and because like she said, I would have probably continued doing it if she wouldn’t have found out.
I appreciate the slap to my face that that confrontation with was to me. It made me realize that ALL actions have consequences, no matter how small they are or how insignificant they seem to us. We normally try to convince ourselves that it is right to do the things we do, because it’s who or how we are, because we’re only humans, or all the other bs that we say to ourselves, trying to justify doing what we know it’s wrong.
I would like to say I would do ANYTHING to gain that person’s trust back, but truth is I don’t think I deserve it back, and I honestly have not forgiven myself for doing what I did, so why should her? I realize I have felt, and I’m struggling to get back on my feet. I hope my experience can turn on a light that helps you search within your souls and see how being yourselves is affecting the people you love.
Most sincerely,
Jorge Sauceda
Ps: Acknowledging this does not mean I will be perfect from now on, it means I will have a clearer vision of how to act from now on and will be a constant reminder of the boundaries of my actions as a person, as part of a relationship and as part of my society.
